How do they look to you? Nice? Neat? Happy? Sad? Stressful? Difficult?
I believe it’s very common to put our best foot forward when we are around others. Because of this is easy to compare our relationships with the best of other relationships that we see.
Therefore many of us don’t realize that all relationships are messy. Well… let me say most. My wife asked me once, “what would you say to someone that told you they never fought with their spouse?” My response was, “Someone is not being honest”. Sure enough in due time the couple she referred to where getting a divorce.
I think that many people live under the illusion that if we don’t fight then everything is okay. When in reality sometimes the best and healthiest thing we can do for a relationship is to fight.
Now of course when I say fight I don’t mean a free-for-all. I mean a controlled purposeful “fight/discussion/argument”.
Furthermore it is also my experience that at some point in any long term relationship life gets very messy. Maybe it’s financial hardships. Maybe it’s personal issues for one or both of the parties. At any matter life and therefore relationships are messy.
Our culture seems to have lost this fact and when the inevitable happens most simply give up and walk away. Many say they “fell out of love”. Many say, “it’s too hard”. And others make excuse after excuse as to why to give up.
Maybe if we walked into relationships with our heads up and eyes wide open and realize the eventually the shit will hit the fan and when it does we will stick together; hold fast; and perceiver.
Relationships don’t survive on love and coconuts (Joe Martino) relationships perceiver on hard work and dedication along with learning crucial skills for maneuvering the hard times.
The good news is that most can learn these skills if they set their mind to it.
If you find yourself struggling in a messy relationship please realize a few truths.
- Relationship are messy! Even good ones!
- You are not alone! Most if not all relationships go through difficulties; but people rarely talk about it.
- Remember that relationships are comprised of two imperfect people who share responsibility for the health of the relationship.
- If you cannot forgive you will not have a healthy relationship
- There is help! Reach out to a reputable therapist for additional skills to help get your relationship back on track.