You don’t need to be a slave to the consequences of other people’s choices

This is something that I see as a therapist very often.  So many people come to me because of other people’s actions.  We call it trauma.  Yes…  So many of us have experienced different levels of trauma; it seems like it is almost unavoidable to traverse life without being traumatized these days. 

I have heard terrible stories of life altering hurt and pain.  We cannot deny that trauma is life altering.  We cannot deny that it leaves deep wounds and scars.  We cannot deny that trauma changes how our brain works and how we see and experience the world that we live in. 

Here’s the tension:

So many of us get stuck in our trauma.  It’s like we stumble around in darkness trying to find a way out but we are never able to find the door or even a light switch so that we can see what we are doing.

As we continue to live this way we accept it as normal.  It’s our normal; our experience.  We don’t know anything better or different.  We want different; we want change but we don’t know where to start. 

So, we are frustrated with life, depressed, anxious, and angry.

If we stay in this place long enough it can actually become a source of comfort.  It’s familiar; almost predictable.  Remember that the monster that we know is less scary than the monster that we don’t know.  The unknown is terrifying; it stops us in our tracks….  Even as we are trying to heal.

The good news is:  “You don’t have to be a slave to the consequences of other people’s choices.” 

You’re not trapped or stuck unless you choose to continue to be.

The road to recovery is long, hard, and scary.  And, it’s completely worth it!

Gabor Mate says, “Trauma is not what happens to you…  It’s how you respond to it”

Be strong, courageous, and resilient.  It’s worth it!  Remember:  We cannot slay a dragon that we continue to run away from.

Forgiveness

Teaching your children to forgive will greatly influence their future.

Let’s face it; there is no way to avoid hurt in life.  No matter how hard we try we will all be hurt by someone at sometime.  

One life skill that I have tried to instill in my daughters is the skill of forgiveness.  Just the other evening after a long day when I was tired and vulnerable to be short with my girls; I said something hurtful to my oldest daughter.  I could see the hurt in her eyes as soon as the words came from my mouth.  She immediately left the room without a word spoken.  I knew I had messed up!

Several minutes later my daughter and I sat down and I apologized for what I had said.  My daughter’s response was, “It’s ok”.  This is a very common response to an apology; however; it is not the correct response because no matter how you look at it, it’s not ok.  I looked at her and said, “It’s not ok; will you forgive me?”.  Then she said those wonderful words, “I forgive you dad”.  

Honestly there is more to forgiveness than this.  Forgiveness is a complex process with many twists and turns.  And it is our responsibility as parents to begin to teach our children how to forgive when they are young.  

Finally, in order to teach forgiveness, we must be able to appropriately forgive others.  Let’s remember; non-forgiveness leads to bitterness that is a cancer to our soul.  Help your children be healthy by being healthy yourself.  

Gentle Words

I recently had an experience where I was careless with my words.  The result was that the person I was speaking to was left hurt and misunderstood.  I spoke out of frustration and in my frustration I became careless.  I have noticed in myself as well as in others that when we as people become frustrated with situations or people we often become careless with our words.  

I have heard it said in these situations that, “I was just being honest”, or “I was just telling the truth”.  That may be so; and I do commend being honest in our speech as well as in the acknowledgment of our feelings.  Just because something may be honest or true does not relieve us of the responsibility of how we communicate that truth.  If we are careless and leave a wake of destruction then the truth is meaningless.  

If we do our best to communicate truth in a helpful way and the other person is still hurt or offended it does not mean that we have done wrong.  I believe that we can agree that the truth sometimes does hurt.  I believe our part in speaking the truth is for the hearer of the truth to understand that by us speaking the truth we are not attacking, or, being mean just for the sake of being mean.  I believe that there is a happy medium in “speaking the truth in love”.  If the other knows/believes that we have their best interest at heart speaking the truth will be less hurtful and more helpful.

Hard is Hard

Recently I was listening to a trainer speaking about getting into shape verses staying out of shape.
 
The trainer put the dynamic into terms like this. 
 
It’s hard getting into shape!  Waking up early; working hard; pushing; burning muscles; sweating!
 
It’s hard not being healthy.  You don’t feel good; sick and tired of being sick and tired; you don’t like how you look in the mirror; you wish you felt better.
 
The point is that both are hard! 
 
Pick your hard!
 
As a therapist I hear often that therapy and change is hard.  My response is yes it is.  And so is life as you know it.
 
Let’s just face it. 
 
Life is hard!
 
No matter which way we turn eventually it will be hard; and that’s okay!  Hard is where we grow.  Hard is where we change.  Hard is where we find out what we are made of.
 
If you do nothing but what you’ve always been doing it will be hard.  If you push into the unknown and uncomfortable it will be hard.  One of those has a greater reward.  One of those helps you be the person you want to be.  One of is far more rewarding.
 
Both are hard!
 
Which will you choose?  The couch?  The chair?  The unchanged life?  Or the you you’ve always wanted to be.
 
It’s your choice and no one can do it for you.
 
Choose wisely.